if words were bullets

shit day eating wise, great day for dance. i did really really well at my competition.

i'm still anxious about the future, college-wise. i feel like people don't think i have direction. but i do have direction in life; any which way the wind blows, i guess... i'm really delirious right now, excuse the nonsensical words.

i want to go to college. i want to go to a good college.

what's my age again?

i think i'm lactose intolerant, even if only a little bit. every time i eat more than one yogurt or little bit of cheese, everything just goes straight through me. i poop a lot, OKAY? awkward, but if you didn't get it... i was lactose intolerant when i was a baby & i detest milk. who knows?

my body is strange. 114.5/114 lbs.

silence

i've been really stressed out lately, & therefore, have gained 2 fucking lbs. oh yay, 117... fuck my life. i'm normally a completely easy going person & never ever get stressed, mostly because i think in the present & i go with it. i've always thought that my future is just that, it's the future. i don't have to think about it if i work hard now so i can open my options.

but now, junior year, is the year that i have to work my fucking flabby ass off. & i have been. i'm taking really hardcore classes & i'm scared to death because i don't think i'm smart enough for them. PLUS, my parents told me they wanted me to apply to an ivy, ALREADY. yes, i have those types of parents. extreme workaholics, both with multiple masters, make $100,000 each, want their artist daughter to become a doctor, parents.

i would love to go to an ivy, but i'm too average. people tell i'd have no problem getting into top schools, but there are so many other students out there with the same & much higher grades than me, plus amazing extra curricular & achievements. i might have a small chance.

i know what i want to study though. i want to become psychiatrist. that's right, the whole phd & med school ordeal. i want to do it.

i feel like i'd be perfect for it, because i'm obsessed with knowing what people are thinking & if i do counseling i can. i can listen to them and i'm really good at reading what people are thinking & see through them. i want to become a psychiatrist. i've been thinking about it so much now, i can't see myself doing anything else.

three months ago i was so set on art school. who knows where i'll be in another three months?

i need to be stronger. i hate being fat.

love

i really want to scream, but i dont have the energy.

i danced like complete fucking shit tonight. & my teacher told me so. i have a competition on sunday & this isn't the way i want to start the weekend. i am so angry at myself for not practicing enough. i'm so stupid, such a dumbfuck.

plus i ate today. i probably gained. AWESOME.

(sorry, i'm in a really pissy mood & i have to get up at 6:50 a.m. for work tomorrow)

quickiee

i'm off to work in about two minutes, so i haven't got much time.

i weighed myself this morning, 114.5! i've only consumed around 200 calories this whole day, plus a water bottle.

if i have time tonight, i'll make a longer post. hope everyone's well!

this must be the place

i'm at 116. i lost a pound over night yesterday, WITH lunch & an enormous binge before & AFTER dance.

seriously, i'm not joking when i say i work hard.

i've been doing better lately. i need to be stronger, mentally & physically. (i need better core muscles for dance... hahaha)

lately my mom has been pressuring my a lot for dance, but it's probably because i'm a lot more serious about it now too. it gets annoying, but fuck, she's driving me EVERYWHERE & pay for it all, so i go with it. i push myself really really hard & i've made some vast improvements. one teacher told me i was easily the most improved over the whole year, & all my teachers agreed. & my other teacher told me my steps looked even better last night than the last time she'd seen them (june).

even my dance friends are pressuring me to do well, everyone seems to think i'm really amazing now? it's flattering, but really new. i like though, i feel like i belong better.

i'm built to be a dancer, actually. i'm short & have this beautiful arch naturally. even before i started dancing (because i only started when i was about 10 or 11), i was told i had an amazing arch. plus, i have "beautifully" turned out & crossed feet all the time. usually that's the last thing people pick up, i've been told, but i've always seemed to have it. the only thing is, that i have ridiculously short legs. my inseam is about 28 - 29 ", whereas on a proportional 5'3 person, it'd be 30 - 31". at least will all the girls i know, anyway.

on a completely random note, are strawberries negative calories? because my friend told me they weren't, but i've read in a couple of places that they were considered negative calories... i really hope so!

mannequin

oh fuck. i think i gained 2 lbs. that's what i get for 4 days of BINGING. so now i'm 117/117.5. nice, right?

but at the same time, i've lost fat from my stomach & hips now that dance has picked back up with the school year. my "old" body (last june), i had a completely flat stomach, couldn't pull any fat on it. my hips were ehh, they weren't prominent but there wasn't excess on them. i want hip bones again, & i want skinny legs. my legs have gotten a little bit smaller, i've noticed... at least i think.

i can do this, i've done it before. it was this time last year i was dropping 3 lbs a week. so why can't i do it now?

binge

i have nothing more to say other than i'm a fucking idiot & i'm really really fucking angry.

everything we had

so i'm on my period now. which explains a lot, about 3 pounds a lot. & as to why i just CAN NOT resist ANYTHING lately. :[ but i'm going to weigh myself tomorrow morning, when my bloating stops & to see where i'm at.

this explains why i feel less fat on my hips but don't see it in the mirror or on the scale. hopefully i will soon...

i really need to start doing better. :\

black & white

well, today was better. my mom actually started packing me a lunch because she says i'm too thin... & plus, the fact my one friend is completely convinced i have an eating disorder? which i don't, FYI. >:| but each day i get by eating a little less of my lunch, leave 1/4 of the sandwich & a couple of the crackers. but i still feel full, & i don't like it...

i'm getting better at not eating what's in front of me. i'm a perfectionist, i can't help it. & one of my things is that i like to completely CLEAR my plate. not a spot. but now, i'm okay (not really) with leaving half of something. so far today i think i've had under 800 calories, but i really don't know. i really really hope i don't have to eat dinner. :(

i have a new little tip for you guys, by the way, something i came up with myself. :) i usually eat pickles when i'm hungry, the little chip slices? around 5 = 30 calories. it really fills you up & usually the pickle taste lingers a while & anything else you eat tastes really gross. just saying, it helps me.

another little tid bit about my day, kinda funny actually. i was going to eat a yogurt after school & normally there's a little liquid on top of the yogurt before you mix it. so i normally pour that out into the garbage. & as i was doing that today, the whole yogurt in it fell into the trash! hahahaha :D so then i took it as a sign & threw the rest out & went upstairs.

i think i'm under 116 lbs right now, but i can't be sure. hope you're all well! <3

i was once a loyal lover

i really don't like the feeling of food in my stomach. i like the taste. i'm still going to restrict, but now i'm going to do some chew & spit which should be easy since i'm home alone 5 out of 7 days a week. PLUS, i only have to eat one family dinner a week.

with such beautiful opportunities, why do i fuck up?

i've decided i don't mind two of my friends. the rest suck. i have one friend that pretends to be drunk when everyone else around her is. she complains she doesn't like beer & gin burns to much, so when everyone else is a little tipsy she starts acting up. i wanted to wring her neck whilst drunk because i could even tell she was pretending. we all knew she took two sips of beer & one of gin. then she starts walking around & pointing out things in a little girl voice saying "how pretty these colors are". WTF YOU ARE NOT PRETENDING TO BE HIGH, YOU ARE PRETENDING TO BE DRUNK. i want to punch her, she is ugly & doesn't deserve to BE SO FUCKING THIN. (she is, unfortunately, the skinniest person i know)

sorry, i just really don't like her. we've been "best" friends since the 8th grade. but she always calls me stupid & calls me a bitch. i take rigorous classes & as far as i know & anyone else does, there are two people who have called me a bitch (my sister & an old romantic interest, who i actually wasn't interested in...) she, on the other hand, slacks off & complains how easy it is, & people who have NEVER SPOKEN to her say how mean she is & that she gives them dirty looks.

i am so biased, but i would 98% of the time we all take sides with ourselves. but i know i could round up easily 15 people that would beat the shit out of her.

gah. sorry this is not about thinspo, or eating much. i've been doing mediocre, but slowly better. i start dance again this week, so i will get back in shape hopefully.

WOW:

"Women with short legs have a higher risk of developing heart disease than their leggier sisters, researchers say."

cool. now i'm going to die because of unfortunate genetics. maybe it's karma...

my mirror speaks

fuck.

i drank a lot, i ate a lot. i gained, so i reached my goal & then i threw it away. nice job, asshole.

although we were all kinda gone, my friends kept all telling me i didn't eat enough & that i never did. they told me they thought i was lying whenever i said i ate before.

i'm not even skinny, so what difference does it make? :\

still bleeding

i am a steady 115 lbs, yay! i finally was able to weigh myself in the morning.

i'm not going to be able to fast, so i'll just to restrict as best i can today because i'm staying out tonight. i think restricting works best for me, because i know whenever i feel hungry & i just eat something small like one strawberry i'm not hungry anymore. i also won't slow my metabolism & because i'm hungry it'll burn the whole thing up.

hope that made sense... enjoy your weekends<3!

dragonfly

without even trying, i hardly eat. i hate the sight of food, i hate the feeling & taste of it in my mouth. i'm still around 115/116, haven't had the time to weigh. i haven't been good, though. i have to eat to prove myself & right now i can feel a sandwich in the bottom of my stomach, & the disgusting thought of it makes me nauseous.

everyone's being saying how i don't eat lately. my one friend was telling me i was too thin to begin with & skipping lunch i could pass out. for a few days i was really happy, but now i'm back in a depressed rut. i get like this. happy, then sad, then angry, then creative, & repeat.

i wish i had a boyfriend, or a good guy friend, or a love interest. i scare them all away because i don't want them, but right now, i do. i need someone because i feel like crying all the time.

lately, i've realized that when i feel my upper thighs touch i become insanely, outrageously infuriated. then i get sad about it. why am i such a teenager?

electric feel

i was forced to eat breakfast this morning, but right after i ate i weighed myself... 115.5!! which means that i met my goal, seeing as i usually get bloated with at least 1.5 - 3 lbs... i'm really really happy. :)

make light

didn't get drunk, that's okay. i have awesome plans for this weekend.

i'm bragging right now, i did amazing todayy! i resisted everything, i forced myself to eat strawberries to get some energy (& they are negative calories). i ate tonight though while i was out, a pretty large ice cream & some fries. i feel full, i feel gross. but i'm still happy, for the first time in months.

i'm going to weigh tomorrow morning, i'm wondering whether i've gained or maintained... i'm too close to my goal weight right now that it's frustrating me my weight fluctuates so much. :\

hope everyone had a fun night tooo <3

you know who you are

116.5 lbs. :\ pretty good since i strayed a bit yesterday, didn't eat over 800 but still.

today is my last full day for summer. hopefully i'll get really really wasted/fucked up tonight, so just in case i'll fast today, maybe eat a couple strawberries.

i know that once i get beneath 116 lbs i'll be in the clear, it's my obstacle for now. visibly, there is no difference. but i grab my fat on my sides every day now, & i can tell when there's less.

well, there's less.

but i want it all gone. gone, gone, gone.

i really need to finish my summer work... & go back to school shopping...! eek

i don't know what's going to happen this school year; i don't like my group of friends. they bore me & always say my artwork is "too weird" & stuff like that. it just aggravates me, because most of them are somewhat narrow-minded. i'm being incredibly condescending, but at least they're thinner than me...

i've been invited by this group of (i sound like a total loser for saying this) artsy kids to sit at their lunch table. they're insane, they're my type of people. i want to, i know i'd have fun. but i know my friends would just talk about me behind my back that whole time, you know, the whole typical high school ordeal. i don't even consider myself friends with most of them; the others, just because we've been friends for the past couple years.

i need to purify my life as well as my body. :|

bling (confession of a king)

well, the dinner left me at 117 lbs. i'll deal, but i'm really fucking pissed at myself. i've hardly lost any weight at all. & i've been trying to for two weeks now.

i only have a few days left of summer & i have summer work to finish. so, sorry if my posts from now until then are short & maybe sparse.

i ate a little petite four today... i hate to say but it was just as delicious as adorable. it was little, but i had also had breakfast so i would say anywhere from 100-300 cals. i always overestimate so i don't get disappointed in the end.

:\ hope you're all well <3

here's the thing

I was doing fine today, only had about 400 calories & was going to stop until my friends made plans for us. I can't say no, & it would be all too obvious for me to say no. So I went out to dinner. And I feel dirty.

I want to be pure, & empty. I want thin legs & arms. I want to see the edges of bones. I want it so much I tear up when I think about it, my heart is tugged at.

On a lighter note, I was out this night & started acting completely delusional (while sober) because I hadn't eaten enough. I thought it was fairly funny at the time, but I know I embarrassed myself. I don't care too much though.

The other night a similar thing happened. When I was out to eat with my family, I had seafood in my dish & I detest seafood in all shapes & forms. & for some reason I just started talking to myself frantically about it as I picked it all out. I didn't even really realize I was doing it until my sister & mother yelled at me to stop.

hi, i'm insane.

hang me up to dry

DELETED

DELETED

119 lbs. i was forced out to lunch with my family, so i'm slightly bloated here. FUCK i disappoint myself way too much.

i went shopping today, bought jeans, a shirt & make up. the jeans are a size 0. they'd look much nicer if my thighs weren't so fucking fat. i'm scared for school to start, because when school ended i was 114 lbs... 5 lbs on a petite frame often looks more like a GAZILLION pounds, clearly.

i used to be the girl that could eat anything she wanted & have her ribcage showing without any stretching. that was last summer. i didn't even realize how thin i was until my friend pointed it out to me. i was around 110-114 lbs then too. then i went up to 117 at the end of summer. that's when i started to restrict & fast. i got down to 108 in december & maintained it for a while, until i started building a lot of muscle & went up to 114. everyone used to say i was "wasting away". i want people to say how thin i am again.

i don't know...

Age: 16

Height: 5’3”
Weight: 119 lbs
BMI: 20.7

Dress Size: 4/6 ? (i dont know for sure)
Highest Weight: 135 lbs
Lowest Weight: 108/105 lbs
Goal Weight: 100 lbs (or below!)

Favorite Diet Food: water

Favorite Binge Food: #$%^&*

Favorite Exercise: dancedancedancedance <3

Favorite Thinspo: legs, arms.

Where Do You Slip Up: in front of family

When Did It Start: the actual dieting, last fall, but i've known i'm fat since i was 10

Does Anyone Know: people have accused me, so that's usually when i binge to prove them... :\

Do You Want Help: don't need it!

How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day: 200-500.

What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror: love hands, thunder thighs, flabby arms. :( everything disproportional to the way it should be.

Are You In A Relationship: no

Are You The Fat Or Thin One Out Of Your Friends: i will be the thinnest one.

Are You Depressed: 99.2% of the time

Ever Tried To Commit Suicide: once, twice, who knows? i've given up.

Ever Been To A Psychologist: no, i'm considering becoming one though!

I AM -
[ ] anorexic
[ ] ednos
[ ] bulimic
[ ] living off diet pills
[ ] hungry
[x] thirsty
[ ] drinking something
[ ] Under 100lbs
[x] starving yourself
[x (starting tomorrow) ] participating in a fast

PEOPLE -
[x] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[x] call me fat
[x] say I’m skinny
[ ] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[ ] spread rumors about me
[x] force me to eat
[x] say I eat too much
[x] wish I’d eat more
[x] don’t know I’m anorexic/bulimic/ednos

I WISH -
[xxx] I was THIN
[xxx] I had a better body
[x] I didn’t have to eat
[xxx] I could control myself
[xxx] I was under 110lbs
[x] I could avoid food
[x] I could hide what I am
[xxx] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was pretty
[ ] I could stop being ana/mia

I LOVE -
[x] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference when fasting
[x] shaking
[x] being weak
[x] losing weight
[ ] being anorexic/bulimic
[ ] green tea
[] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself

APPEARANCE
[x] I am shorter than 5’4.
[xxx] I think I’m ugly sometimes.
[ ] I have many scars.
[HAHA] I tan easily.
[x] I wish my hair was a different color.
[ ] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[ ] I have a tattoo.
[xxx] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[x] I have/had braces.
[x] I wear glasses.
[ ] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
[x] I’ve been told I’m attractive by a complete stranger.
[] I have more than 2 piercings.
[] I have piercings in places besides my ears.
[x] I have freckles.

FAMILY
[x] I’ve sworn at my parents.
[x (when i was 7 i think, hahahaha)] I’ve run away from home.
[ ] I’ve been kicked out of the house.
[x] My biological parents are together.
[ ] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[ ] I want to have kids someday.
[ ] I’ve had children.
[ ] I’ve lost a child.

EMBARRASSMENT
[ ] I’ve slipped out a “lol” in a spoken conversation.
[ ] Disney movies still make me cry.
[x] I’ve peed from laughing.
[x] I’ve snorted while laughing.
[x] I’ve laughed so hard I’ve cried.
[ ] I’ve glued my hand to something
[ ] I’ve laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
[ ] I’ve had my trousers rip in public.

RELATIONSHIPS
[x] I’m single
[ ] I’m in a relationship.
[ ] I’m engaged.
[ ] I’m married.
[ ] I’ve gone on a blind date.
[] I’ve been the dumpee more than the dumper.
[x] I miss someone right now.
[x] I have a fear of abandonment.
[ ] I’ve cheated in a relationship.
[ ] I’ve gotten divorced
[x] I’ve had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back.
[ ] I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t.
[ ] I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did.
[ ] I’ve kept something from a past relationship.

SEXUALITY
[ ] I’ve had a crush on someone of the same sex.
[ ] I’ve had a crush on a teacher.
[ ] I am a cuddler.
[ ] I’ve been kissed in the rain.
[x] I’ve hugged a stranger.
[ ] I have kissed a stranger.

HONESTY
[x] I’ve done something I promised someone else I wouldn’t
[x] I’ve done something I promised myself I wouldn’t.
[x] I’ve snuck out of my house.
[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world.
[x] I’ve cheated while playing a game.
[x] I’ve cheated on a test.
[ ] I’ve been suspended from school.

BAD TIMES
[x] I’ve consumed alcohol.
[x] I regularly drink.
[ ] I can’t swallow pills.
[xxxxx] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem
[ ] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression.
[x] I shut others out when I’m upset.
[ ] I take anti-depressants.
[ ] I’m anorexic or bulimic or have EDNOS.
[x] I’ve slept an entire day when I didn’t need it.
[x] I’ve hurt myself on purpose.
[ ] I’m addicted to self harm.
[x] I’ve woken up crying
[x] I’ve lost weight
[x] I’ve gained weight
[x] My weight holds me back
[x] Weight consumes me.
[ ] I’m at my thinnest
[ ] I’m at my biggest
[x] I’ve lost weight and kept it off
[x] I’ve lost weight but gained it back
[x] My weight affects my mood
[ ] I weigh myself daily
[x] I am jealous of everyone smaller than me
[ ] I thrive on compliments
[x] I feel bigger than people who are my size
[x] I feel happy when I’m hungry
[x] I get depressed after I eat
[x] I’ve skipped a meal
[x] I’ve thrown food away
[x] I’ve spit food out
[x] I’ve fasted
[ ] I’ve taken diet pills
[ ] I’ve used laxatives
[ ] I’ve purged
[x] I exercise
[x] I exercise so I can eat
[x] I work out secretly
[x] I work out daily
[x] I exercise to counteract eating
[x] I’ve fainted from exhaustion

I’ve done:
[ ] Weed
[ ] Cigarettes
[x] Alcohol
[ ] Diet pills
[xxx] Pain killers
[ ] Anti-depressants
[ ] Ecstasy
[ ] LSD
[ ] Mushrooms
[ ] Speed
[ ] Cocaine
[x] Other
[x] I keep my eating habits a secret
[x] I have a ED blog
[x] I look at thinspo
[x] I collect thinspo
[x] I condone pro-ana/mia sites
[x] I count calories
[x] I’ve had negative intake days
[x] I avoid food
[ ] I hate food
[x] I love food
[x] I want to be this way
[ ] I don’t want to be like this
[x] I wish I could have more control
[xx] Being thin is my top priority
[x] I don’t want to get better
[ ] I am in treatment
[xxxxxxx] I’m doing this for me
[x] I’m doing this for someone
[x] I’m doing this to prove myself.

found this on tumblr... i want to see other people fill this out. :)

like this

every time i eat, my head starts to feel like something is pushing on either side of it & something goes off in my mind that makes me insanely angry? i don't know what's going on. i've eaten WAY too much the past day & a half... that's what happens when parents are breathing down your neck... :( haven't weighed myself, gah.

this picture makes me sick to my stomach with desire. i have never wanted so bad as much as i want these legs & those arms.

yesterday i was doing well, threw up during dance so i knew i hadn't eaten too much. i know i hate when it happens, but it was a relief... & then i was forced out to eat & i ate normal today... my hands reached for food, but i really wanted to yell out? it was a strange sensation. i need more control of my body. food will not have a part in my life anymore.

time to pretend

Somehow, I have no fucking idea, I'm back to 116.5. I'm feeling more optimistic than usual. :D

I have dance & work today. Lots of standing around, light work & then vigorous work! Yay. My mom is going to make me dinner before dance. :\ I know I have to eat before dance though, & all I'm eating today is a 200 cal. breakfast & then that dinner. I should be all right.

I really want another paycheck so I can buy more clothes. I miss my best friend.

don't leave me

I spent the day in the city with my friend. We walked a lot, but we ate dinner at a Thai restaurant. I had something with chicken, noodles & spinach. I ate about 3/4. :\ I'm not sure about the calories...

I bought some skin tight jeans though, they're really cute. A size 26. :( I want to be a 24 more than anything. They look fine except for my upper thighs, of course. I seriously don't understand how a dedicated dancer has such HUGE legs! It makes me really frustrated.

I also have some bad news... my parents are off for the next two weeks, so I know they'll be watching to make sure I'm eating regularly all the time. How the fuck am I going to be ready in time for school to start? Fuckfuckfuckkkkk :(

I really strongly dislike Lindsay Lohan, but her legs look good here. I only liked her in Mean Girls & as a redhead. Other than that, eh, she annoys me.

Stay strong.

baby steps.

I want leg like these. The main place that needs work on my legs are my upper thighs. Other than that, it's essentially all muscle.

I ate a bit today... :( But it was less than usual, & I'm not sure if I can get out of dinner. WTF I'm really angry at myself.

But this is helping me gain motivation I think. I feel as though my stomach JIGGLES when I walk anywhere &, even worse, that people are staring at it... But my jeans are really baggy lately? They're also a size, or two, too big, but I can tell they're bigger than normal. They're a size 16 from Abercrombie Kids. A 14 fits me best, but when I bought these I was a bit bigger... My legs are so short that even the inseam on kids' jeans are 4-6 inches to long!

Gah, I still haven't weighed myself... I might put it off. I don't want to though. I'm really confused at the moment... I'll post later if I do end up weighing myself. <3

ugh.

These posts are really depressing & uninspiring... I tried my best, but I ate quite a few fritos, portwine cheese, a few oreos & then a ice cream sandwich. Throughout the day, though. Skipped dinner, which is why I had to eat the ice cream. My family is so strange, one meal & they flip out on me? I wasn't even hungry, not lying.

I'm a little scares to weigh myself... I'll wait until tomorrow I guess. :\

it keeps getting worse.

I binged. From 3 pm, until 10 pm. This has been a streak of weakness, plus bad timing. We have family over our house this weekend who are always pressuring me to eat... I know that I'll have gained in the morning, but at least I have work tomorrow & Sunday to keep my mind off of eating.

Thanks for the support from Megan & Brune! It means a lot to have comments that actually make me feel better... hope everyone is doing well<3

fuck, part deux.

I was forced into eating dinner. That got me really upset. Then, I overreacted when I saw my mom was watching my favorite show & just typing it now, my breath catches because I want to scream so fucking hard that I throw up a lung. Then, I ran upstairs & cut myself a few times (another thing I swore I would never do again), and, ugh.

I'm really self-abusive. I actually punch myself; I know that sounds strange because mostly people just cut or burn themselves, but I... I don't know. I punch myself in the stomach or in the head. It sounds strange, I know, but, I don't know, it helps me. I don't get the same release from cutting as I used to. It's just the same feeling, so I started finding new ones.

I don't know what's wrong with me, but I've always been like this. I cry a lot, I'm sad half the time, like beyond depressed (I turn into a reclusive self-loathing hermit), and when I'm with people I have no trouble being this bubbly, friendly girl that everyone knows. I've never told anyone that I've ever hurt myself or that I have such strange emotions & that they change so quickly. I'd be kinda scared to tell anyone though, because I have attempted suicide twice. This is the first time that anyone, even people I don't know, will know this. It's a good way to release though.

That's why I also like to not eat. I don't consider myself to have an eating disorder because I'm fat, & I know once I get to a certain point I'm just going to maintain that weight. The only thing I find that I care about these days is dance, and my weight/size. Lately, I've been able to just say "I'm not hungry" & even the worst hunger fades away. I know I am in control.

fuck.

Back to 118. I would rather not dwell on it, honestly. :[ Just forget it & keep moving forward. I'll keep it until 200 calories today then, & just drink water. Hope everyone is doing better than I am <3

skins

116.5! :]

I worked really really hard at dance last night, & my teacher, my mom & I were all proud of me! Hahaha, but really, I know I burned a lot last night & I got a little light headed in the middle of it. I ate a fat free organic Stonyfield strawberry yogurt. Ugh, that was difficult to type... Only 110 calories though! & I tracked all the calories I ate yesterday, minus what I burned (even though I think it was more than what it said) & it was 235 calories. I guess that's good, especially since I was rarely hungry because I drank probably over 4 L of water!

I love Miranda Kerr, just for the record. I think she's the most beautiful person on Earth, even though she's not my thinspo. She's still really thin, but she's curvy, & I'll never be curvy. Not even if I tried! Haha, I have a boyish figure, or "ruler" if you like.

I haven't eaten or drank anything all day, so I'll scrounge my kitchen for something acceptable. I'm think maybe 300 - 400 calories today? I don't want my metabolism to slow. :\

wtf

Just weighed myself... lost 3 lbs, somehow? Normally I drop 1.5 lbs over night, but I do have a fast metabolism. Now I'm at 118!

On a bad note, the cleaning people threw out my favorite water bottle. It held 1 L, exactly, & now I must go back to using .5 L bottles. :\ Whatever, I'm still really happy! :D

razorblade

I'm posting early today because my cleaning people came 2 hours early! I hadn't picked up my room so I had to throw everything in my closet. Usually, I sit outside with my macbook while they're cleaning so I'm out of their way.

I came across this site while reading lipstick lullabies that charts weight loss through calories & exercise, & I've never really seen anything like it. Apparently if I keep under 500 cals (everyday!!!) & I'm very active (which I am, ESPECIALLY during the fall with dance) I can reach 100.37 lbs by September 28 !!!! I'm going to try my best, maybe just go with 800 cals, but who the fuck cares?Seeing this site makes me feel like I can do it, no problem...

I know there will be problems, just like last time. My main goal right now is to finally lose some weight! I don't care how much, I just want to see those numbers go

d

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My focus I think is my legs, because they're so muscular. My lower thighs ( right above the knee) have pretty much no fat on them, they're all muscle but my upper thighs... Ugh, they look like a V, a very large V so much that my thighs now touch. :[

I can't wait for dance tonight, & I can't wait to see how this week goes. Well, I'm off to do summer reading!

Stay strong!

good times gonna come

So, this weekend. Ugh, I'm literally so disappointed I don't want to talk about it. There's never any way for me to get out of eating when I'm with my family. They've always suspected something is going on with me, & my family always comments on how thin I am...

There were some good points, though. I did really well in my competition, which was great. & I went shopping & tried on a 0 for fun... It fit, but was tight in the thighs. :\ That's really surprising though, especially since I'm a huge load right now. I gained a pound this weekend... :[

I'm going to fast throughout the day tomorrow, but eat some strawberries before my dance class tomorrow night. I've already calculated for me to lose 3.5 lbs a week, I need to eat at most 816 calories. Ugh, I'll have to fast most days considering on Sunday is the only night I have to eat dinner with my family.

Hope all is well for everyone! <3

high fidelity

Well, here I am again. I always say I'm not going to let myself get back in this rut, I'm not going to restrict or fast or starve anymore... but I always do. I've gained back all the weight I've lost... I'm back up to 120 lbs. :[ I'm doing a water fast today, but tomorrow I have to eat protein because I have a competition I've been anxious about. I dance better when I eat lighter foods, but I can't dance on an empty stomach. It makes me vomit (which isn't bad, but I don't prefer it).

So, today, I'm going to do a water fast, but I'll probably have to go out to eat tonight with my mom & some dance friends, so maybe I'll eat my protein then, or get a salad, or say I'm not hungry! So many options, haha. :]

I'm off to get ready for work, hope you're all staying strong!