fuck, part deux.

I was forced into eating dinner. That got me really upset. Then, I overreacted when I saw my mom was watching my favorite show & just typing it now, my breath catches because I want to scream so fucking hard that I throw up a lung. Then, I ran upstairs & cut myself a few times (another thing I swore I would never do again), and, ugh.

I'm really self-abusive. I actually punch myself; I know that sounds strange because mostly people just cut or burn themselves, but I... I don't know. I punch myself in the stomach or in the head. It sounds strange, I know, but, I don't know, it helps me. I don't get the same release from cutting as I used to. It's just the same feeling, so I started finding new ones.

I don't know what's wrong with me, but I've always been like this. I cry a lot, I'm sad half the time, like beyond depressed (I turn into a reclusive self-loathing hermit), and when I'm with people I have no trouble being this bubbly, friendly girl that everyone knows. I've never told anyone that I've ever hurt myself or that I have such strange emotions & that they change so quickly. I'd be kinda scared to tell anyone though, because I have attempted suicide twice. This is the first time that anyone, even people I don't know, will know this. It's a good way to release though.

That's why I also like to not eat. I don't consider myself to have an eating disorder because I'm fat, & I know once I get to a certain point I'm just going to maintain that weight. The only thing I find that I care about these days is dance, and my weight/size. Lately, I've been able to just say "I'm not hungry" & even the worst hunger fades away. I know I am in control.