bling (confession of a king)

well, the dinner left me at 117 lbs. i'll deal, but i'm really fucking pissed at myself. i've hardly lost any weight at all. & i've been trying to for two weeks now.

i only have a few days left of summer & i have summer work to finish. so, sorry if my posts from now until then are short & maybe sparse.

i ate a little petite four today... i hate to say but it was just as delicious as adorable. it was little, but i had also had breakfast so i would say anywhere from 100-300 cals. i always overestimate so i don't get disappointed in the end.

:\ hope you're all well <3

here's the thing

I was doing fine today, only had about 400 calories & was going to stop until my friends made plans for us. I can't say no, & it would be all too obvious for me to say no. So I went out to dinner. And I feel dirty.

I want to be pure, & empty. I want thin legs & arms. I want to see the edges of bones. I want it so much I tear up when I think about it, my heart is tugged at.

On a lighter note, I was out this night & started acting completely delusional (while sober) because I hadn't eaten enough. I thought it was fairly funny at the time, but I know I embarrassed myself. I don't care too much though.

The other night a similar thing happened. When I was out to eat with my family, I had seafood in my dish & I detest seafood in all shapes & forms. & for some reason I just started talking to myself frantically about it as I picked it all out. I didn't even really realize I was doing it until my sister & mother yelled at me to stop.

hi, i'm insane.

hang me up to dry

DELETED

DELETED

119 lbs. i was forced out to lunch with my family, so i'm slightly bloated here. FUCK i disappoint myself way too much.

i went shopping today, bought jeans, a shirt & make up. the jeans are a size 0. they'd look much nicer if my thighs weren't so fucking fat. i'm scared for school to start, because when school ended i was 114 lbs... 5 lbs on a petite frame often looks more like a GAZILLION pounds, clearly.

i used to be the girl that could eat anything she wanted & have her ribcage showing without any stretching. that was last summer. i didn't even realize how thin i was until my friend pointed it out to me. i was around 110-114 lbs then too. then i went up to 117 at the end of summer. that's when i started to restrict & fast. i got down to 108 in december & maintained it for a while, until i started building a lot of muscle & went up to 114. everyone used to say i was "wasting away". i want people to say how thin i am again.

i don't know...

Age: 16

Height: 5’3”
Weight: 119 lbs
BMI: 20.7

Dress Size: 4/6 ? (i dont know for sure)
Highest Weight: 135 lbs
Lowest Weight: 108/105 lbs
Goal Weight: 100 lbs (or below!)

Favorite Diet Food: water

Favorite Binge Food: #$%^&*

Favorite Exercise: dancedancedancedance <3

Favorite Thinspo: legs, arms.

Where Do You Slip Up: in front of family

When Did It Start: the actual dieting, last fall, but i've known i'm fat since i was 10

Does Anyone Know: people have accused me, so that's usually when i binge to prove them... :\

Do You Want Help: don't need it!

How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day: 200-500.

What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror: love hands, thunder thighs, flabby arms. :( everything disproportional to the way it should be.

Are You In A Relationship: no

Are You The Fat Or Thin One Out Of Your Friends: i will be the thinnest one.

Are You Depressed: 99.2% of the time

Ever Tried To Commit Suicide: once, twice, who knows? i've given up.

Ever Been To A Psychologist: no, i'm considering becoming one though!

I AM -
[ ] anorexic
[ ] ednos
[ ] bulimic
[ ] living off diet pills
[ ] hungry
[x] thirsty
[ ] drinking something
[ ] Under 100lbs
[x] starving yourself
[x (starting tomorrow) ] participating in a fast

PEOPLE -
[x] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[x] call me fat
[x] say I’m skinny
[ ] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[ ] spread rumors about me
[x] force me to eat
[x] say I eat too much
[x] wish I’d eat more
[x] don’t know I’m anorexic/bulimic/ednos

I WISH -
[xxx] I was THIN
[xxx] I had a better body
[x] I didn’t have to eat
[xxx] I could control myself
[xxx] I was under 110lbs
[x] I could avoid food
[x] I could hide what I am
[xxx] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was pretty
[ ] I could stop being ana/mia

I LOVE -
[x] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference when fasting
[x] shaking
[x] being weak
[x] losing weight
[ ] being anorexic/bulimic
[ ] green tea
[] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself

APPEARANCE
[x] I am shorter than 5’4.
[xxx] I think I’m ugly sometimes.
[ ] I have many scars.
[HAHA] I tan easily.
[x] I wish my hair was a different color.
[ ] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[ ] I have a tattoo.
[xxx] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[x] I have/had braces.
[x] I wear glasses.
[ ] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
[x] I’ve been told I’m attractive by a complete stranger.
[] I have more than 2 piercings.
[] I have piercings in places besides my ears.
[x] I have freckles.

FAMILY
[x] I’ve sworn at my parents.
[x (when i was 7 i think, hahahaha)] I’ve run away from home.
[ ] I’ve been kicked out of the house.
[x] My biological parents are together.
[ ] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[ ] I want to have kids someday.
[ ] I’ve had children.
[ ] I’ve lost a child.

EMBARRASSMENT
[ ] I’ve slipped out a “lol” in a spoken conversation.
[ ] Disney movies still make me cry.
[x] I’ve peed from laughing.
[x] I’ve snorted while laughing.
[x] I’ve laughed so hard I’ve cried.
[ ] I’ve glued my hand to something
[ ] I’ve laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
[ ] I’ve had my trousers rip in public.

RELATIONSHIPS
[x] I’m single
[ ] I’m in a relationship.
[ ] I’m engaged.
[ ] I’m married.
[ ] I’ve gone on a blind date.
[] I’ve been the dumpee more than the dumper.
[x] I miss someone right now.
[x] I have a fear of abandonment.
[ ] I’ve cheated in a relationship.
[ ] I’ve gotten divorced
[x] I’ve had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back.
[ ] I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t.
[ ] I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did.
[ ] I’ve kept something from a past relationship.

SEXUALITY
[ ] I’ve had a crush on someone of the same sex.
[ ] I’ve had a crush on a teacher.
[ ] I am a cuddler.
[ ] I’ve been kissed in the rain.
[x] I’ve hugged a stranger.
[ ] I have kissed a stranger.

HONESTY
[x] I’ve done something I promised someone else I wouldn’t
[x] I’ve done something I promised myself I wouldn’t.
[x] I’ve snuck out of my house.
[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world.
[x] I’ve cheated while playing a game.
[x] I’ve cheated on a test.
[ ] I’ve been suspended from school.

BAD TIMES
[x] I’ve consumed alcohol.
[x] I regularly drink.
[ ] I can’t swallow pills.
[xxxxx] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem
[ ] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression.
[x] I shut others out when I’m upset.
[ ] I take anti-depressants.
[ ] I’m anorexic or bulimic or have EDNOS.
[x] I’ve slept an entire day when I didn’t need it.
[x] I’ve hurt myself on purpose.
[ ] I’m addicted to self harm.
[x] I’ve woken up crying
[x] I’ve lost weight
[x] I’ve gained weight
[x] My weight holds me back
[x] Weight consumes me.
[ ] I’m at my thinnest
[ ] I’m at my biggest
[x] I’ve lost weight and kept it off
[x] I’ve lost weight but gained it back
[x] My weight affects my mood
[ ] I weigh myself daily
[x] I am jealous of everyone smaller than me
[ ] I thrive on compliments
[x] I feel bigger than people who are my size
[x] I feel happy when I’m hungry
[x] I get depressed after I eat
[x] I’ve skipped a meal
[x] I’ve thrown food away
[x] I’ve spit food out
[x] I’ve fasted
[ ] I’ve taken diet pills
[ ] I’ve used laxatives
[ ] I’ve purged
[x] I exercise
[x] I exercise so I can eat
[x] I work out secretly
[x] I work out daily
[x] I exercise to counteract eating
[x] I’ve fainted from exhaustion

I’ve done:
[ ] Weed
[ ] Cigarettes
[x] Alcohol
[ ] Diet pills
[xxx] Pain killers
[ ] Anti-depressants
[ ] Ecstasy
[ ] LSD
[ ] Mushrooms
[ ] Speed
[ ] Cocaine
[x] Other
[x] I keep my eating habits a secret
[x] I have a ED blog
[x] I look at thinspo
[x] I collect thinspo
[x] I condone pro-ana/mia sites
[x] I count calories
[x] I’ve had negative intake days
[x] I avoid food
[ ] I hate food
[x] I love food
[x] I want to be this way
[ ] I don’t want to be like this
[x] I wish I could have more control
[xx] Being thin is my top priority
[x] I don’t want to get better
[ ] I am in treatment
[xxxxxxx] I’m doing this for me
[x] I’m doing this for someone
[x] I’m doing this to prove myself.

found this on tumblr... i want to see other people fill this out. :)

like this

every time i eat, my head starts to feel like something is pushing on either side of it & something goes off in my mind that makes me insanely angry? i don't know what's going on. i've eaten WAY too much the past day & a half... that's what happens when parents are breathing down your neck... :( haven't weighed myself, gah.

this picture makes me sick to my stomach with desire. i have never wanted so bad as much as i want these legs & those arms.

yesterday i was doing well, threw up during dance so i knew i hadn't eaten too much. i know i hate when it happens, but it was a relief... & then i was forced out to eat & i ate normal today... my hands reached for food, but i really wanted to yell out? it was a strange sensation. i need more control of my body. food will not have a part in my life anymore.

time to pretend

Somehow, I have no fucking idea, I'm back to 116.5. I'm feeling more optimistic than usual. :D

I have dance & work today. Lots of standing around, light work & then vigorous work! Yay. My mom is going to make me dinner before dance. :\ I know I have to eat before dance though, & all I'm eating today is a 200 cal. breakfast & then that dinner. I should be all right.

I really want another paycheck so I can buy more clothes. I miss my best friend.

don't leave me

I spent the day in the city with my friend. We walked a lot, but we ate dinner at a Thai restaurant. I had something with chicken, noodles & spinach. I ate about 3/4. :\ I'm not sure about the calories...

I bought some skin tight jeans though, they're really cute. A size 26. :( I want to be a 24 more than anything. They look fine except for my upper thighs, of course. I seriously don't understand how a dedicated dancer has such HUGE legs! It makes me really frustrated.

I also have some bad news... my parents are off for the next two weeks, so I know they'll be watching to make sure I'm eating regularly all the time. How the fuck am I going to be ready in time for school to start? Fuckfuckfuckkkkk :(

I really strongly dislike Lindsay Lohan, but her legs look good here. I only liked her in Mean Girls & as a redhead. Other than that, eh, she annoys me.

Stay strong.

baby steps.

I want leg like these. The main place that needs work on my legs are my upper thighs. Other than that, it's essentially all muscle.

I ate a bit today... :( But it was less than usual, & I'm not sure if I can get out of dinner. WTF I'm really angry at myself.

But this is helping me gain motivation I think. I feel as though my stomach JIGGLES when I walk anywhere &, even worse, that people are staring at it... But my jeans are really baggy lately? They're also a size, or two, too big, but I can tell they're bigger than normal. They're a size 16 from Abercrombie Kids. A 14 fits me best, but when I bought these I was a bit bigger... My legs are so short that even the inseam on kids' jeans are 4-6 inches to long!

Gah, I still haven't weighed myself... I might put it off. I don't want to though. I'm really confused at the moment... I'll post later if I do end up weighing myself. <3

ugh.

These posts are really depressing & uninspiring... I tried my best, but I ate quite a few fritos, portwine cheese, a few oreos & then a ice cream sandwich. Throughout the day, though. Skipped dinner, which is why I had to eat the ice cream. My family is so strange, one meal & they flip out on me? I wasn't even hungry, not lying.

I'm a little scares to weigh myself... I'll wait until tomorrow I guess. :\

it keeps getting worse.

I binged. From 3 pm, until 10 pm. This has been a streak of weakness, plus bad timing. We have family over our house this weekend who are always pressuring me to eat... I know that I'll have gained in the morning, but at least I have work tomorrow & Sunday to keep my mind off of eating.

Thanks for the support from Megan & Brune! It means a lot to have comments that actually make me feel better... hope everyone is doing well<3

fuck, part deux.

I was forced into eating dinner. That got me really upset. Then, I overreacted when I saw my mom was watching my favorite show & just typing it now, my breath catches because I want to scream so fucking hard that I throw up a lung. Then, I ran upstairs & cut myself a few times (another thing I swore I would never do again), and, ugh.

I'm really self-abusive. I actually punch myself; I know that sounds strange because mostly people just cut or burn themselves, but I... I don't know. I punch myself in the stomach or in the head. It sounds strange, I know, but, I don't know, it helps me. I don't get the same release from cutting as I used to. It's just the same feeling, so I started finding new ones.

I don't know what's wrong with me, but I've always been like this. I cry a lot, I'm sad half the time, like beyond depressed (I turn into a reclusive self-loathing hermit), and when I'm with people I have no trouble being this bubbly, friendly girl that everyone knows. I've never told anyone that I've ever hurt myself or that I have such strange emotions & that they change so quickly. I'd be kinda scared to tell anyone though, because I have attempted suicide twice. This is the first time that anyone, even people I don't know, will know this. It's a good way to release though.

That's why I also like to not eat. I don't consider myself to have an eating disorder because I'm fat, & I know once I get to a certain point I'm just going to maintain that weight. The only thing I find that I care about these days is dance, and my weight/size. Lately, I've been able to just say "I'm not hungry" & even the worst hunger fades away. I know I am in control.

fuck.

Back to 118. I would rather not dwell on it, honestly. :[ Just forget it & keep moving forward. I'll keep it until 200 calories today then, & just drink water. Hope everyone is doing better than I am <3

skins

116.5! :]

I worked really really hard at dance last night, & my teacher, my mom & I were all proud of me! Hahaha, but really, I know I burned a lot last night & I got a little light headed in the middle of it. I ate a fat free organic Stonyfield strawberry yogurt. Ugh, that was difficult to type... Only 110 calories though! & I tracked all the calories I ate yesterday, minus what I burned (even though I think it was more than what it said) & it was 235 calories. I guess that's good, especially since I was rarely hungry because I drank probably over 4 L of water!

I love Miranda Kerr, just for the record. I think she's the most beautiful person on Earth, even though she's not my thinspo. She's still really thin, but she's curvy, & I'll never be curvy. Not even if I tried! Haha, I have a boyish figure, or "ruler" if you like.

I haven't eaten or drank anything all day, so I'll scrounge my kitchen for something acceptable. I'm think maybe 300 - 400 calories today? I don't want my metabolism to slow. :\

wtf

Just weighed myself... lost 3 lbs, somehow? Normally I drop 1.5 lbs over night, but I do have a fast metabolism. Now I'm at 118!

On a bad note, the cleaning people threw out my favorite water bottle. It held 1 L, exactly, & now I must go back to using .5 L bottles. :\ Whatever, I'm still really happy! :D

razorblade

I'm posting early today because my cleaning people came 2 hours early! I hadn't picked up my room so I had to throw everything in my closet. Usually, I sit outside with my macbook while they're cleaning so I'm out of their way.

I came across this site while reading lipstick lullabies that charts weight loss through calories & exercise, & I've never really seen anything like it. Apparently if I keep under 500 cals (everyday!!!) & I'm very active (which I am, ESPECIALLY during the fall with dance) I can reach 100.37 lbs by September 28 !!!! I'm going to try my best, maybe just go with 800 cals, but who the fuck cares?Seeing this site makes me feel like I can do it, no problem...

I know there will be problems, just like last time. My main goal right now is to finally lose some weight! I don't care how much, I just want to see those numbers go

d

o

w

n

!

My focus I think is my legs, because they're so muscular. My lower thighs ( right above the knee) have pretty much no fat on them, they're all muscle but my upper thighs... Ugh, they look like a V, a very large V so much that my thighs now touch. :[

I can't wait for dance tonight, & I can't wait to see how this week goes. Well, I'm off to do summer reading!

Stay strong!

good times gonna come

So, this weekend. Ugh, I'm literally so disappointed I don't want to talk about it. There's never any way for me to get out of eating when I'm with my family. They've always suspected something is going on with me, & my family always comments on how thin I am...

There were some good points, though. I did really well in my competition, which was great. & I went shopping & tried on a 0 for fun... It fit, but was tight in the thighs. :\ That's really surprising though, especially since I'm a huge load right now. I gained a pound this weekend... :[

I'm going to fast throughout the day tomorrow, but eat some strawberries before my dance class tomorrow night. I've already calculated for me to lose 3.5 lbs a week, I need to eat at most 816 calories. Ugh, I'll have to fast most days considering on Sunday is the only night I have to eat dinner with my family.

Hope all is well for everyone! <3

high fidelity

Well, here I am again. I always say I'm not going to let myself get back in this rut, I'm not going to restrict or fast or starve anymore... but I always do. I've gained back all the weight I've lost... I'm back up to 120 lbs. :[ I'm doing a water fast today, but tomorrow I have to eat protein because I have a competition I've been anxious about. I dance better when I eat lighter foods, but I can't dance on an empty stomach. It makes me vomit (which isn't bad, but I don't prefer it).

So, today, I'm going to do a water fast, but I'll probably have to go out to eat tonight with my mom & some dance friends, so maybe I'll eat my protein then, or get a salad, or say I'm not hungry! So many options, haha. :]

I'm off to get ready for work, hope you're all staying strong!