if words were bullets

shit day eating wise, great day for dance. i did really really well at my competition.

i'm still anxious about the future, college-wise. i feel like people don't think i have direction. but i do have direction in life; any which way the wind blows, i guess... i'm really delirious right now, excuse the nonsensical words.

i want to go to college. i want to go to a good college.

what's my age again?

i think i'm lactose intolerant, even if only a little bit. every time i eat more than one yogurt or little bit of cheese, everything just goes straight through me. i poop a lot, OKAY? awkward, but if you didn't get it... i was lactose intolerant when i was a baby & i detest milk. who knows?

my body is strange. 114.5/114 lbs.

silence

i've been really stressed out lately, & therefore, have gained 2 fucking lbs. oh yay, 117... fuck my life. i'm normally a completely easy going person & never ever get stressed, mostly because i think in the present & i go with it. i've always thought that my future is just that, it's the future. i don't have to think about it if i work hard now so i can open my options.

but now, junior year, is the year that i have to work my fucking flabby ass off. & i have been. i'm taking really hardcore classes & i'm scared to death because i don't think i'm smart enough for them. PLUS, my parents told me they wanted me to apply to an ivy, ALREADY. yes, i have those types of parents. extreme workaholics, both with multiple masters, make $100,000 each, want their artist daughter to become a doctor, parents.

i would love to go to an ivy, but i'm too average. people tell i'd have no problem getting into top schools, but there are so many other students out there with the same & much higher grades than me, plus amazing extra curricular & achievements. i might have a small chance.

i know what i want to study though. i want to become psychiatrist. that's right, the whole phd & med school ordeal. i want to do it.

i feel like i'd be perfect for it, because i'm obsessed with knowing what people are thinking & if i do counseling i can. i can listen to them and i'm really good at reading what people are thinking & see through them. i want to become a psychiatrist. i've been thinking about it so much now, i can't see myself doing anything else.

three months ago i was so set on art school. who knows where i'll be in another three months?

i need to be stronger. i hate being fat.

love

i really want to scream, but i dont have the energy.

i danced like complete fucking shit tonight. & my teacher told me so. i have a competition on sunday & this isn't the way i want to start the weekend. i am so angry at myself for not practicing enough. i'm so stupid, such a dumbfuck.

plus i ate today. i probably gained. AWESOME.

(sorry, i'm in a really pissy mood & i have to get up at 6:50 a.m. for work tomorrow)

quickiee

i'm off to work in about two minutes, so i haven't got much time.

i weighed myself this morning, 114.5! i've only consumed around 200 calories this whole day, plus a water bottle.

if i have time tonight, i'll make a longer post. hope everyone's well!

this must be the place

i'm at 116. i lost a pound over night yesterday, WITH lunch & an enormous binge before & AFTER dance.

seriously, i'm not joking when i say i work hard.

i've been doing better lately. i need to be stronger, mentally & physically. (i need better core muscles for dance... hahaha)

lately my mom has been pressuring my a lot for dance, but it's probably because i'm a lot more serious about it now too. it gets annoying, but fuck, she's driving me EVERYWHERE & pay for it all, so i go with it. i push myself really really hard & i've made some vast improvements. one teacher told me i was easily the most improved over the whole year, & all my teachers agreed. & my other teacher told me my steps looked even better last night than the last time she'd seen them (june).

even my dance friends are pressuring me to do well, everyone seems to think i'm really amazing now? it's flattering, but really new. i like though, i feel like i belong better.

i'm built to be a dancer, actually. i'm short & have this beautiful arch naturally. even before i started dancing (because i only started when i was about 10 or 11), i was told i had an amazing arch. plus, i have "beautifully" turned out & crossed feet all the time. usually that's the last thing people pick up, i've been told, but i've always seemed to have it. the only thing is, that i have ridiculously short legs. my inseam is about 28 - 29 ", whereas on a proportional 5'3 person, it'd be 30 - 31". at least will all the girls i know, anyway.

on a completely random note, are strawberries negative calories? because my friend told me they weren't, but i've read in a couple of places that they were considered negative calories... i really hope so!

mannequin

oh fuck. i think i gained 2 lbs. that's what i get for 4 days of BINGING. so now i'm 117/117.5. nice, right?

but at the same time, i've lost fat from my stomach & hips now that dance has picked back up with the school year. my "old" body (last june), i had a completely flat stomach, couldn't pull any fat on it. my hips were ehh, they weren't prominent but there wasn't excess on them. i want hip bones again, & i want skinny legs. my legs have gotten a little bit smaller, i've noticed... at least i think.

i can do this, i've done it before. it was this time last year i was dropping 3 lbs a week. so why can't i do it now?

binge

i have nothing more to say other than i'm a fucking idiot & i'm really really fucking angry.

everything we had

so i'm on my period now. which explains a lot, about 3 pounds a lot. & as to why i just CAN NOT resist ANYTHING lately. :[ but i'm going to weigh myself tomorrow morning, when my bloating stops & to see where i'm at.

this explains why i feel less fat on my hips but don't see it in the mirror or on the scale. hopefully i will soon...

i really need to start doing better. :\

black & white

well, today was better. my mom actually started packing me a lunch because she says i'm too thin... & plus, the fact my one friend is completely convinced i have an eating disorder? which i don't, FYI. >:| but each day i get by eating a little less of my lunch, leave 1/4 of the sandwich & a couple of the crackers. but i still feel full, & i don't like it...

i'm getting better at not eating what's in front of me. i'm a perfectionist, i can't help it. & one of my things is that i like to completely CLEAR my plate. not a spot. but now, i'm okay (not really) with leaving half of something. so far today i think i've had under 800 calories, but i really don't know. i really really hope i don't have to eat dinner. :(

i have a new little tip for you guys, by the way, something i came up with myself. :) i usually eat pickles when i'm hungry, the little chip slices? around 5 = 30 calories. it really fills you up & usually the pickle taste lingers a while & anything else you eat tastes really gross. just saying, it helps me.

another little tid bit about my day, kinda funny actually. i was going to eat a yogurt after school & normally there's a little liquid on top of the yogurt before you mix it. so i normally pour that out into the garbage. & as i was doing that today, the whole yogurt in it fell into the trash! hahahaha :D so then i took it as a sign & threw the rest out & went upstairs.

i think i'm under 116 lbs right now, but i can't be sure. hope you're all well! <3

i was once a loyal lover

i really don't like the feeling of food in my stomach. i like the taste. i'm still going to restrict, but now i'm going to do some chew & spit which should be easy since i'm home alone 5 out of 7 days a week. PLUS, i only have to eat one family dinner a week.

with such beautiful opportunities, why do i fuck up?

i've decided i don't mind two of my friends. the rest suck. i have one friend that pretends to be drunk when everyone else around her is. she complains she doesn't like beer & gin burns to much, so when everyone else is a little tipsy she starts acting up. i wanted to wring her neck whilst drunk because i could even tell she was pretending. we all knew she took two sips of beer & one of gin. then she starts walking around & pointing out things in a little girl voice saying "how pretty these colors are". WTF YOU ARE NOT PRETENDING TO BE HIGH, YOU ARE PRETENDING TO BE DRUNK. i want to punch her, she is ugly & doesn't deserve to BE SO FUCKING THIN. (she is, unfortunately, the skinniest person i know)

sorry, i just really don't like her. we've been "best" friends since the 8th grade. but she always calls me stupid & calls me a bitch. i take rigorous classes & as far as i know & anyone else does, there are two people who have called me a bitch (my sister & an old romantic interest, who i actually wasn't interested in...) she, on the other hand, slacks off & complains how easy it is, & people who have NEVER SPOKEN to her say how mean she is & that she gives them dirty looks.

i am so biased, but i would 98% of the time we all take sides with ourselves. but i know i could round up easily 15 people that would beat the shit out of her.

gah. sorry this is not about thinspo, or eating much. i've been doing mediocre, but slowly better. i start dance again this week, so i will get back in shape hopefully.

WOW:

"Women with short legs have a higher risk of developing heart disease than their leggier sisters, researchers say."

cool. now i'm going to die because of unfortunate genetics. maybe it's karma...

my mirror speaks

fuck.

i drank a lot, i ate a lot. i gained, so i reached my goal & then i threw it away. nice job, asshole.

although we were all kinda gone, my friends kept all telling me i didn't eat enough & that i never did. they told me they thought i was lying whenever i said i ate before.

i'm not even skinny, so what difference does it make? :\

still bleeding

i am a steady 115 lbs, yay! i finally was able to weigh myself in the morning.

i'm not going to be able to fast, so i'll just to restrict as best i can today because i'm staying out tonight. i think restricting works best for me, because i know whenever i feel hungry & i just eat something small like one strawberry i'm not hungry anymore. i also won't slow my metabolism & because i'm hungry it'll burn the whole thing up.

hope that made sense... enjoy your weekends<3!

dragonfly

without even trying, i hardly eat. i hate the sight of food, i hate the feeling & taste of it in my mouth. i'm still around 115/116, haven't had the time to weigh. i haven't been good, though. i have to eat to prove myself & right now i can feel a sandwich in the bottom of my stomach, & the disgusting thought of it makes me nauseous.

everyone's being saying how i don't eat lately. my one friend was telling me i was too thin to begin with & skipping lunch i could pass out. for a few days i was really happy, but now i'm back in a depressed rut. i get like this. happy, then sad, then angry, then creative, & repeat.

i wish i had a boyfriend, or a good guy friend, or a love interest. i scare them all away because i don't want them, but right now, i do. i need someone because i feel like crying all the time.

lately, i've realized that when i feel my upper thighs touch i become insanely, outrageously infuriated. then i get sad about it. why am i such a teenager?

electric feel

i was forced to eat breakfast this morning, but right after i ate i weighed myself... 115.5!! which means that i met my goal, seeing as i usually get bloated with at least 1.5 - 3 lbs... i'm really really happy. :)

make light

didn't get drunk, that's okay. i have awesome plans for this weekend.

i'm bragging right now, i did amazing todayy! i resisted everything, i forced myself to eat strawberries to get some energy (& they are negative calories). i ate tonight though while i was out, a pretty large ice cream & some fries. i feel full, i feel gross. but i'm still happy, for the first time in months.

i'm going to weigh tomorrow morning, i'm wondering whether i've gained or maintained... i'm too close to my goal weight right now that it's frustrating me my weight fluctuates so much. :\

hope everyone had a fun night tooo <3

you know who you are

116.5 lbs. :\ pretty good since i strayed a bit yesterday, didn't eat over 800 but still.

today is my last full day for summer. hopefully i'll get really really wasted/fucked up tonight, so just in case i'll fast today, maybe eat a couple strawberries.

i know that once i get beneath 116 lbs i'll be in the clear, it's my obstacle for now. visibly, there is no difference. but i grab my fat on my sides every day now, & i can tell when there's less.

well, there's less.

but i want it all gone. gone, gone, gone.

i really need to finish my summer work... & go back to school shopping...! eek

i don't know what's going to happen this school year; i don't like my group of friends. they bore me & always say my artwork is "too weird" & stuff like that. it just aggravates me, because most of them are somewhat narrow-minded. i'm being incredibly condescending, but at least they're thinner than me...

i've been invited by this group of (i sound like a total loser for saying this) artsy kids to sit at their lunch table. they're insane, they're my type of people. i want to, i know i'd have fun. but i know my friends would just talk about me behind my back that whole time, you know, the whole typical high school ordeal. i don't even consider myself friends with most of them; the others, just because we've been friends for the past couple years.

i need to purify my life as well as my body. :|