if words were bullets

shit day eating wise, great day for dance. i did really really well at my competition.

i'm still anxious about the future, college-wise. i feel like people don't think i have direction. but i do have direction in life; any which way the wind blows, i guess... i'm really delirious right now, excuse the nonsensical words.

i want to go to college. i want to go to a good college.

what's my age again?

i think i'm lactose intolerant, even if only a little bit. every time i eat more than one yogurt or little bit of cheese, everything just goes straight through me. i poop a lot, OKAY? awkward, but if you didn't get it... i was lactose intolerant when i was a baby & i detest milk. who knows?

my body is strange. 114.5/114 lbs.

silence

i've been really stressed out lately, & therefore, have gained 2 fucking lbs. oh yay, 117... fuck my life. i'm normally a completely easy going person & never ever get stressed, mostly because i think in the present & i go with it. i've always thought that my future is just that, it's the future. i don't have to think about it if i work hard now so i can open my options.

but now, junior year, is the year that i have to work my fucking flabby ass off. & i have been. i'm taking really hardcore classes & i'm scared to death because i don't think i'm smart enough for them. PLUS, my parents told me they wanted me to apply to an ivy, ALREADY. yes, i have those types of parents. extreme workaholics, both with multiple masters, make $100,000 each, want their artist daughter to become a doctor, parents.

i would love to go to an ivy, but i'm too average. people tell i'd have no problem getting into top schools, but there are so many other students out there with the same & much higher grades than me, plus amazing extra curricular & achievements. i might have a small chance.

i know what i want to study though. i want to become psychiatrist. that's right, the whole phd & med school ordeal. i want to do it.

i feel like i'd be perfect for it, because i'm obsessed with knowing what people are thinking & if i do counseling i can. i can listen to them and i'm really good at reading what people are thinking & see through them. i want to become a psychiatrist. i've been thinking about it so much now, i can't see myself doing anything else.

three months ago i was so set on art school. who knows where i'll be in another three months?

i need to be stronger. i hate being fat.

love

i really want to scream, but i dont have the energy.

i danced like complete fucking shit tonight. & my teacher told me so. i have a competition on sunday & this isn't the way i want to start the weekend. i am so angry at myself for not practicing enough. i'm so stupid, such a dumbfuck.

plus i ate today. i probably gained. AWESOME.

(sorry, i'm in a really pissy mood & i have to get up at 6:50 a.m. for work tomorrow)

quickiee

i'm off to work in about two minutes, so i haven't got much time.

i weighed myself this morning, 114.5! i've only consumed around 200 calories this whole day, plus a water bottle.

if i have time tonight, i'll make a longer post. hope everyone's well!

this must be the place

i'm at 116. i lost a pound over night yesterday, WITH lunch & an enormous binge before & AFTER dance.

seriously, i'm not joking when i say i work hard.

i've been doing better lately. i need to be stronger, mentally & physically. (i need better core muscles for dance... hahaha)

lately my mom has been pressuring my a lot for dance, but it's probably because i'm a lot more serious about it now too. it gets annoying, but fuck, she's driving me EVERYWHERE & pay for it all, so i go with it. i push myself really really hard & i've made some vast improvements. one teacher told me i was easily the most improved over the whole year, & all my teachers agreed. & my other teacher told me my steps looked even better last night than the last time she'd seen them (june).

even my dance friends are pressuring me to do well, everyone seems to think i'm really amazing now? it's flattering, but really new. i like though, i feel like i belong better.

i'm built to be a dancer, actually. i'm short & have this beautiful arch naturally. even before i started dancing (because i only started when i was about 10 or 11), i was told i had an amazing arch. plus, i have "beautifully" turned out & crossed feet all the time. usually that's the last thing people pick up, i've been told, but i've always seemed to have it. the only thing is, that i have ridiculously short legs. my inseam is about 28 - 29 ", whereas on a proportional 5'3 person, it'd be 30 - 31". at least will all the girls i know, anyway.

on a completely random note, are strawberries negative calories? because my friend told me they weren't, but i've read in a couple of places that they were considered negative calories... i really hope so!

mannequin

oh fuck. i think i gained 2 lbs. that's what i get for 4 days of BINGING. so now i'm 117/117.5. nice, right?

but at the same time, i've lost fat from my stomach & hips now that dance has picked back up with the school year. my "old" body (last june), i had a completely flat stomach, couldn't pull any fat on it. my hips were ehh, they weren't prominent but there wasn't excess on them. i want hip bones again, & i want skinny legs. my legs have gotten a little bit smaller, i've noticed... at least i think.

i can do this, i've done it before. it was this time last year i was dropping 3 lbs a week. so why can't i do it now?

binge

i have nothing more to say other than i'm a fucking idiot & i'm really really fucking angry.

everything we had

so i'm on my period now. which explains a lot, about 3 pounds a lot. & as to why i just CAN NOT resist ANYTHING lately. :[ but i'm going to weigh myself tomorrow morning, when my bloating stops & to see where i'm at.

this explains why i feel less fat on my hips but don't see it in the mirror or on the scale. hopefully i will soon...

i really need to start doing better. :\

black & white

well, today was better. my mom actually started packing me a lunch because she says i'm too thin... & plus, the fact my one friend is completely convinced i have an eating disorder? which i don't, FYI. >:| but each day i get by eating a little less of my lunch, leave 1/4 of the sandwich & a couple of the crackers. but i still feel full, & i don't like it...

i'm getting better at not eating what's in front of me. i'm a perfectionist, i can't help it. & one of my things is that i like to completely CLEAR my plate. not a spot. but now, i'm okay (not really) with leaving half of something. so far today i think i've had under 800 calories, but i really don't know. i really really hope i don't have to eat dinner. :(

i have a new little tip for you guys, by the way, something i came up with myself. :) i usually eat pickles when i'm hungry, the little chip slices? around 5 = 30 calories. it really fills you up & usually the pickle taste lingers a while & anything else you eat tastes really gross. just saying, it helps me.

another little tid bit about my day, kinda funny actually. i was going to eat a yogurt after school & normally there's a little liquid on top of the yogurt before you mix it. so i normally pour that out into the garbage. & as i was doing that today, the whole yogurt in it fell into the trash! hahahaha :D so then i took it as a sign & threw the rest out & went upstairs.

i think i'm under 116 lbs right now, but i can't be sure. hope you're all well! <3