silence

i've been really stressed out lately, & therefore, have gained 2 fucking lbs. oh yay, 117... fuck my life. i'm normally a completely easy going person & never ever get stressed, mostly because i think in the present & i go with it. i've always thought that my future is just that, it's the future. i don't have to think about it if i work hard now so i can open my options.

but now, junior year, is the year that i have to work my fucking flabby ass off. & i have been. i'm taking really hardcore classes & i'm scared to death because i don't think i'm smart enough for them. PLUS, my parents told me they wanted me to apply to an ivy, ALREADY. yes, i have those types of parents. extreme workaholics, both with multiple masters, make $100,000 each, want their artist daughter to become a doctor, parents.

i would love to go to an ivy, but i'm too average. people tell i'd have no problem getting into top schools, but there are so many other students out there with the same & much higher grades than me, plus amazing extra curricular & achievements. i might have a small chance.

i know what i want to study though. i want to become psychiatrist. that's right, the whole phd & med school ordeal. i want to do it.

i feel like i'd be perfect for it, because i'm obsessed with knowing what people are thinking & if i do counseling i can. i can listen to them and i'm really good at reading what people are thinking & see through them. i want to become a psychiatrist. i've been thinking about it so much now, i can't see myself doing anything else.

three months ago i was so set on art school. who knows where i'll be in another three months?

i need to be stronger. i hate being fat.